The Permanent Attorney

My billion-dollar idea

A few years ago, I had to sue someone. It was a miserable experience - having to drag a person with whom you were formerly business partners to court is a painful process, especially the part where they fight back and start falsely accusing you of unseemly behavior.

Obviously, any time one finds themselves involved in a legal battle, it’s a soul-sucking experience. Either someone has wronged you or they think you have harmed them.

Fortunately, we settled, but after all the legal machinations and the fees paid to my attorneys, it ended up not being worth all the stress. (I don’t think the settlement allows me to talk about what happened, but trust me, I got screwed.)

Yet there was one silver lining to the whole process that I didn’t expect. It is actually pretty cathartic having a lawyer defending you against attacks.

It feels great having an attorney fight on your behalf. Someone who actually listens to what you say, fully believes your take on what happened, and is willing to go to the mattresses to see you vindicated.

Even though you’re effectively paying for this person to take your side, it’s actually an adrenaline rush. Where else can you find someone that simply nods and says “yeah, you’re right?”

That’s why after the whole process was over, I started to miss my lawyer. I suddenly felt lost without my tireless advocate. I was the Lone Ranger without Tonto. Simon Without Garfunkel. Robin Williams without cocaine.

This is how I came to my million-dollar idea: The permanent attorney. It would be just like having a regular lawyer, but they would be with you all the time and for every issue in your life. You would have a 24-hour advocate willing to defend you against everyone firing nonsense at your brain.

Disagreement with your roommate about how to properly load the dishwasher? Speak to my representative. People willingly misunderstanding one of your social media posts in order to make you look stupid? Permanent attorney will be there to take care of them. Coworker trying to take credit for something that was your idea? Wait until they get a cease and desist letter from your “people.”

Of course, rich and famous people have already figured this system out, as they have teams of agents and publicists to clap back at every perceived slight. Some people are so famous, they have people in their orbit willing to take down the haters for free; just post something mildly critical of Taylor Swift and watch your inbox swell with offers to perform acts on yourself that are physically impossible without having at least one rib removed.

The eternal attorney (eterney? Still workshopping this) wouldn’t have been necessary in the days before social media, as there were maybe five people in your life capable of irritating you. But now in the world of interconnectedness, the potential for bullshit in your life is infinite. You can now “know” thousands of people who will turn on you the second your existence inconveniences them. And it would feel so good to have someone fight those battles on your behalf.

Not all of us, of course, are rich or famous. There would have to be some way to share your eterney with others to make it more cost-efficient. In the near future, the eterney may not even need to be human. Artificial Intelligence is mostly horrifying, but if I could automatically run a program that pimp slaps all my haters, count me in. (Obviously, there will also be haters that are simply AI bots, so some of the most epic Twitter showdowns may be between algorithms while their respective owners are off enjoying roast beef sandwiches.)

In fact, the permanent attorney idea would be so therapeutic, it should be covered by health insurance. Think of the peace it would bring your mind to have someone else negotiate a better parking spot at work or tell a coworker you don’t want to talk to them anymore or explain to marginal friends why you can’t make it to their cookout. To paraphrase comedian Roy Wood, Jr., the money you spent on the service wouldn’t be fees, they would be co-pays.

The only downside of the eterney would be if you caught feelings for your representative. It’s actually pretty attractive to have someone backing you up all the time, so it would be written into the contract that you can’t fall for your lawyer. This is only good business practice, as the lawyer almost certainly has no interest in you. (When you have “friends” to whom you pay money - bartenders, manicurists, strippers, etc. - their “friendship” tends to magically evaporate when the money dries up.)

Nevertheless, giving everyday people a permanent public defender is the recipe for a billion-dollar business. Who wouldn’t want to sign up for all the benefits of a personal advocate without the headache of litigation?

Just make sure you don’t steal this idea or I will sue your ass.

ALSO:

Despite catching Covid and dealing with a subsequent sinus infection for two weeks (I still can’t hear out of my left ear), I managed to bang out a few columns.

Last week, I wrote about two of President Donald Trump’s worst cabinet appointments, Kash Patel and Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.

Here’s what I wrote about Patel for MSNBC:

Patel is a steadfast supporter of the now-pardoned Jan. 6 rioters, believing the whole incident was provoked by undercover FBI agents (whom he would oversee as the agency’s director). He produced a song featuring the J6 rioters singing “The Star-Spangled Banner,” which Trump frequently played at his rallies, promising to support the rioters’ legal fees with proceeds from the song.

Patel even authored a trilogy of children’s books called “The Plot Against the King,” which explains how “King Donald” had to be saved from the dastardly deeds of “Hillary Queenton,” who believed the king ascended to the throne through subterfuge. Naturally, King Donald is rescued by Kash, the wizard, who is known throughout the kingdom as the “Distinguished Discoverer.” Patel’s books are so explicitly amorous of Trump that they should be sold on newsstands encased in a brown paper wrapper.

The same day, I wrote about RFK, Jr. for National Review:

After all, throughout his career, RFK has been the exact type of delusional lefty Trump’s supporters abhor. For decades, conservatives condemned the loopy anti-vax positions of liberal celebrities like Jenny McCarthy and her ilk.

And Kennedy has been on the left edge of the lunacy. As recently as 2020, he threatened to sue the first Trump administration in the name of “climate justice,” whatever that is. He is a dedicated pro-abortion Democrat, spending his career in search of fetuses to terminate.

And, of course, there is his personal life, which makes Matt Gaetz look like Gandhi. The man who now wants to tell us how to lead healthier lives spent years as a womanizing drug addict, and only recently said that his brain had been infected by worms.

During his current nomination process, RFK has tried to back off his lifetime of anti-vax statements. While questioned on Wednesday, he said he was not anti-vaccine, despite declarations he made on a podcast in 2023 in which he said, “There’s no vaccine that is safe and effective.”

ALSO:

Our SNL podcast, Wasn’t That Special, is still going strong. My co-host, Scot Bertram, and I recently released free episodes covering Season 40 (2014-15) and the 40th Anniversary special that ran during that season. Listen to the episodes at the links above and please subscribe to unlock the entirety of our backlog!

Oh, and the podcast also made an appearance in The New York Times last week in an article about the history of “breaking” on the show. The article’s author, comedy reporter Jason Zinoman, asked us for some of the best examples of cast members and hosts breaking out into laughter during sketches, so we supplied some of our favorites.

Read it here.

FINALLY:

Look, the world is falling into chaos, but Lady Gaga is back to making good music again, so I guess that’ll help in the short term. This song, “Abracadabra,” debuted during the Grammys last night and it’s a Born This Way-style banger.