Courteous Reader:
As I sit near the fire with my companion, Riley the Wonder Dog, I cannot help but wonder what she is thinking. Oh, what mysteries of the world could our pets unlock for us if they were able to speak!
Surely my canine companion would happily convey her thoughts to me if possible. She would regale me with legendary tales of duplicitous squirrels and conniving mailmen. She could teach a seminar on the psychology of manipulating humans into giving you their popcorn!
It made me realize, however, that I, as a human who can speak, have been sitting on a wealth of knowledge I have yet to convey to other humans who can actually understand me! My home study has been overtaken by books stacked high; if I were to perish, all the learning I had done by reading them would simply vanish, never to be enjoyed by anyone.
In effect, I am being selfish by keeping my knowledge to myself. I have thus concocted the affixed list of lessons and aphorisms to aid you, faithful reader, in living your most complete life.
And if you enjoy this list, won’t you please consider subscribing? There will be more!
They say that clothes make the man, but I’ve never seen a pair of corduroy pants take a paternity test.
If money is all you want, it is all you will ever have.
Those who say the pen is mightier than the sword have never been stabbed by either.
In college, you drink to go out and make new memories. When you get older, you drink in order to forget things.
At work, do not be really good at anything you don’t want to be tasked with doing forever.
“Early to bed, early to rise” merely means you do not have a Netflix subscription.
The only foolproof way to get a traffic light to change colors is to begin typing a text on your phone.
If all the world is a stage, then who is writing this shit?
Any work meeting to which you are invited can’t possibly be important enough for you to attend.
Jokes to men are as breasts are to women. The better ones you have, the more attention you will enjoy.
The half-clothed young Russian supermodel with four followers who just liked your post is probably a porn bot, but it’s probably worth scrolling through 100 of her posts just to be extra sure.
There are no guilty pleasures; there are only pleasures, and not enough of them.
I have a reverse eating disorder; I think I am far thinner than I am.
History is replete with examples of The Hut being out-pizza-ed.
Life’s cruelest irony: As a child, you grow up dreaming of the day you would have enough money to eat McDonald’s every day, then once you become an adult, you realize eating that much McDonald’s will kill you.
When you give a speech after you receive an award, do not say you are humbled, because you should have been humble before people started giving you awards, and winning an award is actually the ideal time to stop being humble.
Reality dating shows aren’t a test of whether people can find love in a short period of time; they are a test of how much torture and humiliation people are willing to endure to remain on television.
Using artificial intelligence to write your articles is like hiring a prostitute; the end result may approximate the original, but deep down, you know you didn’t earn it.
Even the public marketplace of ideas has a fruits and nuts section.
The hardest job in the entertainment industry is being in a shitty band.
The way to tell if someone is a Millennial is just to wait 10 seconds for them to mention it.
When shopping for clothes, always buy shirts that you know will only fit if you lose weight, because that guarantees a poor person shopping at Goodwill is going to get a nice shirt in a year or so.
It is never too late for your parents to become famous enough for you to be a nepo baby.
Always keep a cyanide capsule on hand in case someone starts telling you about their dream last night.
If you are late for an appointment, drive backwards and you will arrive 15 minutes ago.
If I were a rapper, I would prefer that you wave your hands as if you cared a great deal. And I would only play venues with inflammable roofs.
If you consider your time in terms of its cash value, the time it takes to extract all the jelly from an almost empty jar is equivalent to the cost of buying a whole new jar.
If movies are to be believed, the number one cause of crime in America is sleeping security guards.
All coffee shops should be required to name their sizes “small,” “medium,” “large,” “extra large,” and “Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows.”
Using the word “erudite” by definition makes one erudite.
If “ruthless” behavior is cruel, what is this “ruth” that makes us better and how do I distribute it to the chronically dyspeptic?
Cheer up! Just because you have low self-esteem doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
The saying “take it with a grain of salt” should not imply insincerity. Salt is delicious. When I eat something salty, I don’t doubt its veracity.
Don’t trust anyone who explains a scientific experiment taking place “in a vacuum” because no vacuum is THAT big and it would be very loud.
I’m going to title my next book #1 New York Times Bestseller.
The beauty of cereal is that you don’t need to accompany it with a beverage. It is both food AND DRINK.
Should we just start calling regular sandwiches “crustables?”
The term “stool culture” is an oxymoron.
A properly maintained beard allows a man to decide where his chin begins and his neck ends.
Classical stoicism, which teaches you not to worry about the things you can’t control, is incompatible with sports fandom.
When people brag about reading a lot of books, the real flex isn’t that they’re smarter than you, it’s that they have so much extra time to read.
Stupid people pretending to be smart is preferable to smart people pretending to be stupid.
Alcohol doesn’t make other people more attractive to you; it makes you think you are more attractive to other people.
Why do we still enjoy Mongolian beef? We’re okay that the Mongols gave the world rape, torture, mass murder, and... a delicious stir fry?
The most religious among us are those who have exhausted all other options.
Your poor Friend and Servant,
C. Schneider and the Wonder Dog
#5 reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from one of the Murphy’s Law books: Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.