Cricket Noem: American Hero

Other than “the buck stops here,” no statement is more frequently attributed to Harry S Truman than his observation that “If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.”

But there’s no evidence Truman ever said it. In fact, there is more evidence Truman hated dogs. In 1948, he was given a Cocker Spaniel named Feller, but Truman told reporters he wasn’t even sure if the dog lived with him.

“Oh, he’s around,” he told reporters, before finally admitting the dog had been given to the presidential physician, Dr. Graham.

“This is bound to cost Harry more votes,” a newspaper noted. A year later, a newspaper reported that the dog was given away because Truman’s wife, Bess, “thinks dogs are too much trouble to care for.”

It seems unlikely, however, that Bess Truman took Feller out to a gravel pit and shot him in the head. But that is exactly what South Dakota governor and vice presidential wannabe Kristi Noem bragged about doing in her new memoir, No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward.

As reported in The Guardian, Noem admits to going on a killing spree on her farm, shooting Cricket, her “untrainable” wirehair pointer, a goat, and more recently, three horses. Noem called Cricket a "trained assassin," and said the pooch was "dangerous to anyone she came in contact with."

No one doubts life on farms can often be brutal. There is a reason we invoke a happy, pastoral life when we tell our kids that we are taking our elderly dogs to “go live on a farm,” when, in fact, they are more likely to meet their maker. In the 1950s, military members coined the term “bought the farm” for soldiers who had been killed in combat. Away from hospitals and big cities, the cycle of life and death in rural America can be jarring.

So, sure, animal maintenance is a thing in the often unforgiving rural life. But to then boast of making “difficult, messy and ugly” choices while making your case to be Donald Trump’s running mate is despicable. 

In MAGA world, the saying is more aptly put, “you want a friend in Washington, kill a dog.”

To be sure, anyone who Trump picks as his vice president must meet a baseline of awfulness (election denial, hypocrisy, defending allegations of sexual assault by Trump, vaccine denial, etc.), so Noem clearly felt she had to go over and above the other contenders had to highlight her wretchedness. 

In fact, in wrapping up her tale of canicide, she makes sure to note her daughter asked her “Hey, where’s Cricket?” when the kid realized the dog was no longer around. Cruelty to children is just a little of the literary oregano Noem used to season her story.

All of this is to please a presidential candidate who famously doesn’t read, but who enjoys displays of wonton violence. A man who dreams of shooting people on New York’s Fifth Avenue, fantasized about law enforcement opening fire on looters during race riots, and who sent his supporters into the U.S. Capitol where they chanted a desire to hang the vice president. (Maybe Noem’s alacrity at handling a firearm would come in handy if Trump sicced his insurrectionists on her.)

For Noem, if there is any silver lining to all this, it is that people are talking about l’affaire Cricket and not literally any aspect of her other life. For instance, it has bumped her “close” relationship with longtime Trump advisor Corey Lewandowski, a man who was once charged with assaulting a female reporter in Florida. (The charge was later dropped, but video confirms that he did grab her arm.) 

Further, nobody is talking about the report that shows Noem’s daughter received preferential treatment when applying for a real estate appraiser’s license in 2020. Or the ad Noem cut this year for a Houston-based dental practice, which has raised ethical concerns over whether she got a sweet deal for making the ad or whether public money was used for her to take the trip to Texas.

In being undisciplined and unable to follow rules, it seems Noem shares many of the same traits as the dog she put down. It seems as if the real nuisance in the household had two legs, not four.

On the brighter side, Cricket Noem has now done all of America a service, in that she sacrificed her life to make sure Kristi Noem would never be vice president. Cricket is a hero, and in blocking the person who sought to ride her death to higher office, she did not die in vain. 

As the 1989 animated movie has told us, all dogs go to heaven. Kristi Noem better hope that holds true for former VP candidates.

ALSO:

One of the benefits of social media is that it can bring regular folks in touch with their heroes. My experience was…a bit different.

My entire life, I have revered Monty Python’s Eric Idle, who belongs in the pantheon of comedic geniuses the world has known.

A few weeks ago, someone on X (formerly Twitter) posted a screen grab of a website that claimed Idle was worth $70 million. Idle responded by saying “I think you ought to be able to sue people for this kind of bullshit,” suggesting he was not worth nearly that much.

Then I stupidly jumped on board, joking “A lawsuit sounds like something only someone worth $70 million could afford!”

Well, that did not go over well. Idle responded to me with “And fuck you too.”

Turns out Idle was not in a joking mood, as the discussion of his wealth was the byproduct of a spat he was having with other members of Monty Python and its management. Idle is complaining that he still has to work at age 80 to maintain his income stream because Python’s finances are being mismanaged, and these complaints have dredged up a number of bad feelings among he and his former troupe mates.

“I don’t know why people always assume we’re loaded,” Idle posted on X. “Python is a disaster. ‘Spamalot’ made money 20 years ago. I have to work for my living. Not easy at this age.”

Python legend John Cleese, who is 84, responded, “We always loathed and despised each other, but it's only recently that the truth has begun to emerge.”

Anyway, this has all made me very sad and I am sorry I stepped in the middle of it. I thought it was a joke Idle would get, but I can understand when anyone might not be in the right state of mind to laugh about their misfortune.

So I am sorry, Eric Idle. I hope everything works out and you can come to some sort of resolution with your former mates.

ALSO:

My Saturday Night Live podcast, Wasn’t That Special, is still going strong. We are up to SNL season 22 now, and our Season 20 episode (1994-95) is free to anyone who wants to listen. (Sadly, despite big personalities like Chris Farley and Adam Sandler on the cast, Season 20 is famously terrible, but bad seasons also make for better podcasts, as there is always plenty of drama.)

Anyway, subscribe here, and join us as we move towards the second half of show history!

FINALLY:

There is a ton of good new music out, but one of the best albums may be from modern yacht-rockers Real Estate, whose album Daniel is strong from front to back. Here’s their song “Flowers” from the album: