Anti-Knowledge by Christian Schneider: 1916: The Blog

Chapter Twenty-Eight: December 9, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:32:32 GMT

In the past month, I have come to learn the word “anhedonia.” It is a condition in which a person is unable to find pleasure in any activity, no matter how exciting. Every day, I feel as if I have woken up on the wrong side of the bed – the inside.

It has been a punishing string of disappointments that has made me unable to function in the world outside …

Chapter Twenty-Seven: November 11, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:31:41 GMT

By now, you know what happened on Election Day. I will recount my story.

On Tuesday morning, I noticed news editor Oliver Pringle lurking by the staircase in the typists’ room. This was an anomaly, as the kings in the newsroom typically treat the typists as if we were cholera-flavored cream of wheat.

“You there!” he barked through his cigar. “What’s your …

Chapter Twenty-Six: October 21, 2016

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:30:55 GMT

It will not surprise you at all, reader, to find out that Virginia no longer works at the Milwaukee Post newspaper.

The morning after the slight misunderstanding at the Hughes event, she tendered her immediate resignation. Within days, she had obtained a job setting up fundraisers for the Women’s Temperance Movement, which vividly demonstrates how badly …

Chapter Twenty-Five: October 1, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:30:09 GMT

Two weeks later and the mystery of my dear Grace’s whereabouts is still unsolved.

Even though I have not received another unannounced visit from the boys in blue, I have been on high alert for spies that may be tracking my whereabouts. I have been walking home from work in unfamiliar patterns, just to keep my would-be capturers at bay. On Thursday, I cra…

Chapter Twenty-Four: September 15, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:29:21 GMT

How the world is changing!

On Friday, a young gentleman named Rudolph Weinkopf was found dead at his job as a hotel porter. Yet, when an autopsy was conducted, it was found out that young Rudolph was actually a woman! This confounded poor Rudolph’s fellow hotel employees, who had spent many nights in fraternal bond with the young “lad.”

The deceased had e…

Chapter Twenty-Three: September 1, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:28:32 GMT

On Thursday, Philly and I once again enjoyed several drinks at the Oyster. And, of course, I once again regaled him with the hopelessness of my situation with Virginia.

“You just have to stand out from all the rest,” he said. “She’s the type of girl that has bachelors asking her on dates everywhere she goes. She’s looking for something different.”

I told …

Chapter Twenty-Two: August 15, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:27:29 GMT

Among the plethora of new things the connected age has brought us is the invention of exciting new words and phrases!

For instance, an especially voracious group of FINGER-PHONE users has adopted a new name which they wield with a pride usually displayed by Civil War veterans. Their new moniker is a sardonic twist on the word “drunk,” which typically des…

Chapter Twenty-One: August 1, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:26:40 GMT

During one of our discussions the other night, WillieCat and I conceived of the most riotous business plan!

Recently, fellow FINGER-PHONE user “StableGenius45” suddenly ceased responding to anyone from his device. This fellow was particularly known for trafficking in ribald material and conspiracy theories (he even suspected ingesting radium was bad for …

Chapter Twenty: July 15, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:25:49 GMT

Having taken several days to restore my standing at work, I walked to the newspaper slowly on Monday, dreading having to face Virginia and the band of taunting jackals in the typing room. It was a warm morning, and I wanted to take as long as I could to get there. So I stopped in front of a ribbon-cutting ceremony at City Hall.

Recently, the mayor had he…

Chapter Nineteen: July 1, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:24:58 GMT

The days following my return home were filled with confusion and malaise. I continued to talk to WillieCat through direct messages, but our conversations suddenly shifted. I had to be more careful and polite about what I said, as my words were reaching the delicate eyeballs of a lady!

She apologized endlessly about leading me to believe she was a brother…

Chapter Eighteen: June 11, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:23:57 GMT

The streets of Chicago this week have seen the largest parade in this nation's history, the formation of America's first women's political party, and the nomination of the man who will surely become the next president of the United States.

But all of these events pale in comparison to the events of last night.

It all began just prior to the Wednesday morn…

Chapter Seventeen: June 7, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:23:07 GMT

Perhaps, friend, you noticed I have been gone for longer than usual. With every lady in the city looking for someone of my description, I thought it best to remain incognito for several weeks. Fortunately, my thoughts on the FINGER-PHONE are virtually unread – although my pal WillieCat couldn't stop gloating after having warned me not to attend the para…

Chapter Sixteen: May 16, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:22:20 GMT

During one of our lengthy FINGER-PHONE discussions last week, I told my good chum WillieCat that I would be attending yesterday's suffragette parade. He responded that he thought it would be a tactical mistake on the level of General George Custer's sojourn to Little Big Horn. Yet WillieCat seemed to delight when I told General Custer he should "PLEASE …

Chapter Fifteen: May 1, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:21:29 GMT

My failed attempts at wooing Miss Virginia would normally occupy all my waking thoughts, but there is no time! Skullduggery is afoot!

According to the news department, it has been discovered that German spies have attempted to influence American elections in order to install politicians more favorable to the cause of the Hun!

According to documents seized…

Chapter Fourteen: April 23, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:20:40 GMT

It is said that the great inventor Nikola Tesla has been working on a new invention that allows peoples' thoughts to be visible! His "thought camera" would look into a subject's eyes and project an image of what they are thinking onto a screen. I would certainly not volunteer for the testing of this technology, as the projection would simply be images o…

Chapter Thirteen: April 15, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:19:09 GMT

What a valuable resource my FINGER-PHONE has become!

Some users of the device have banded together to create a remote encyclopedia that contains all the knowledge of the world! Each FINGER-PHONE owner can now deposit the contents of his skull into a network of information accessible by all users. Those users can then dial in and refine that information t…

Chapter Twelve: April 1, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:18:26 GMT

When I returned to the office after meeting her new beau, Virginia’s was the first face I encountered.

“Seeing that your limbs are still connected, I assume your Friday night engagement went swimmingly,” I said.

“It was going fine until this strange man showed up at his house,” she answered.

“And what did this likely well-meaning and probably misunderstood…

Chapter Eleven: March 18, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:17:17 GMT

Amid users of the FINGER-PHONE, there appears to be quite the contingent of Charlie Chaplin fans. Surely, there is much to like about the actor and his popular character, the Little Tramp, but his films have often left me cold. Most recently, all of Chaplin’s films have featured increasingly sad endings, a clear sign he is seeking critical approval.

In t…

Chapter Ten: March 4, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:16:25 GMT

On Tuesday, I walked into the typist room ready for work. As I approached the rear of the room, however, I noticed all my fellow employees huddled around a table, laughing.

When my friend Basil Featherstone saw me, he cleared his throat loudly, and the chortling stopped. I approached the table and saw the object of all this levity.

It was a piece of paper…

Chapter Nine: February 21, 1916

Christian Schneider — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:15:16 GMT

Given that I have discussed other FINGER-PHONE user names, perhaps you are, dear friend, wondering how I chose the very nom de guerre with which you have come to associate me.

It is quite simple. When I was a young lad, and my father was working his typical twenty-one-hour shift in the brewery, our friendly neighbor would often take me on trips over to L…